What sucks the most about what I’ve been going through religion-wise is that God isn’t anything like what I’ve been told He’s like. And I’ve been trying to “relearn” and “re-approach” Him in a “new” and “different” way, but each of these approaches feel just like saying the same thing in a different way, making all of this that much more difficult, all the while creating further tension. So naturally, my body and mind wanting to protect themselves, says the easiest thing to do is to leave it all behind. But there are hard truths I can’t ignore. There are some things I can’t control. The splendor, intricacy, and grandeur of existence unquestionably points to...something. in many ways, Christianity still makes the most sense to me out of all the world religions, even those much older than it; and at the very least, a monotheistic god just makes the most sense to me, as there can’t be multiple infinites.

Everyone believes something the moment they make a moral assertion in any particular direction, but there are some things i don't think I could ever be. Couldn’t be a Black Hebrew Israelite because there isn’t enough data for me (or anyone, really) to substantiate that claim, nor does it carry itself far enough (you’re a BHI, great…now what?). Couldn’t be a conspiracy theorist because there’s never been enough data to substantiate most of the claims they’ve made; some things have come to pass, but much of it hasn't. like most other dogmas in life, there’s some truth to them, but much of it is bogged down by fear and propaganda.

the bible seems to suggest that God is more honored by our actions than our piety. We have no real actualization of Heaven or Hell apart from anecdotal data; religion, in general, speaks to something greater than ourselves, but none of them have a firm grasp on what that thing is. The more I live, the more I find, “Oh, that has/had nothing to with God”; a lot of lifestyle choices (even laws) boil down to, consent vs harm. Science says nothing, merely makes observations. You can’t get “ought” from “is”. But there seems to be so much “is”. Not enough “ought”. Based on the way things “is” wherever you are…that seems to drive one’s “ought”.

I know I’ll die one Day. Does that scare me? No. Should it? Eh…there goes that “ought” again. At this point, I’m honestly content with being the dopest husband, son, brother, and friend that I can be. That’s all I can do. What can I really do about the afterlife? I’m here. Now. I’ll do what I can with what I have while I have it.

All of this feels so wrong, yet so right.